Jealousy

Since from Saturday I have these uneasy feeling surrounding me. Jealousy, yes, I do know what does it means and I assured you that I am feeling it. And I HATE THAT FEELING.

Y? U asked me?

For me, It is hard to have beautiful friends when I was not a pretty myself. It is like a black rose surrounded by red and yellow roses. Like an ugly duckling standing in a group of swans. Which I will never grow up as a swan but an ugly duck forever.....

This guy I have knew and mentioned in the blog, I'd regretted to know him, Because the actual person that he want to know was not me, but Angie instead. Thank god that he admitted that to me... But y he choose me instead of everyone else? Am I easy to get the informations? Oh my~ It is hard to admitted in front of my friends, but this is the truth. I told my friend not to joke around it anymore because it will make us feel embrassed and most of all, I felt hurt in the heart meanwhile she doesn't know about it.

What the use to be happy girl all along? What the difference does it make? I can't bring myself to say it out to her whenever she mentioned the guy.

Every guys that I knew thinks Angie smiled the sweetest of all. And I cant deny that because that is y I like her too. Firstly yes, but now I felt I am being used and alone. I am only a middle man to get to know her. That is y I don like to be-friend with girls, and I hate myself for being a girl.

I am trying to be optimistic. I wanted to become a happy-go-lucky girl, just like my oldself again. But I can't whenever Angie appeared to be next to me when I was trying to talk with some guys. I knew Angie did not do that purposely. But whenever I am trying to talk to Alex she will stand next to me. So does when I am talking to Gary and Ka Ka. When I am getting into a conversation, she will interrupted me whether it is she did it purposely or not. And usually I will walked away and let them talk. She knew I like Alex, but she never knew how much it's hurt when she stands near to him. I KNOW~ it is not her fault, but it is really hurting me when both of them talking and laughing together. I KNOW I am feeling childish~ friends can talk and laugh together, but not as close as I seen them be....

I lost everything to her... My looks, my heart, everything seem like a sunshine shining brightly to the earth meanwhile I am just a sky without a single star to brighten the earth. I KNOW this is wrong.. I have been ridiculous. I have been thinking alot this few days, and I have make myself cried because of these. I can't help myself. We've been friends since I entered this company. The longer I knew about her, the gap between us grew bigger. My best friend said to me, "No matter how she will going to do it purposely or not, u just did great with your own job. Do your best, no matter wat everybody thinks!"

N he did a great job to encourage me like that, don't you think so? ^^

Am I really hope tat?

12th March 2008,

7.30pm, I was sitting at the Oldtown, waiting for my movie to start, and to wait for Wendy, which she have promised me that she will be there at 8pm. But she late, and I tot she will never come, but lastly she appeared at 8pm +.

We sat down and eat, and chatting while eating there. Until suddenly Wendy nudged me from my side, (I was reading a comic) and asked me to c in front. *Gosh!* he really come! I was thinking. I smiled to him, and got back to my comic. He went to sit at my behind and Angie asked him, "Y don u sit here?" He asked me, "Can I?"
I nodded and he came to sit rite next to me! I am so nervous, and my face blush so I can felt the warmness of my cheek. Oh my~ We have a nice chat and I felt nice chatting with him. We even exchange names and numbers!

After that we went for our movie. I knew Wendy didnt really enjoy Martin's companion, bcos I knew Martin was trying to give me n him a chance to talk. I felt guilty to Wendy, but I really want to talk to him and to create a chance. And luckily Wendy is so understandable, and I sud give her a BIG HUG!

Thursday, he didnt came and so does Friday. But he came 2day! Wearing a Boys Brigade, and he look so handsome and smart! i cant even regonize him oso when he walked into the Oldtown. My cheeks are warm and I knew I am blushing. Kelly and Angie have been spreading rumors from behind to the new crews, and they both smiling evilly at me! Walao~

But I knew this wudnt be happen. I don dare to hope for it, as I afraid I might be thinking more than I sud think. I've been telling myself, maybe tat he not aiming for me, but other ppl in Oldtown. (which I hope he is not). Who wud choose someone that is not pretty and fat? My confidence run low, and I never trusted myself to fall in love again.

Y does this irritating feeling come back to me again???!!!!

Overthink

Since from the my day off on the last Wed, I kept on seeing him around my OLDTOWN. Last Wed, I went back to Oldtown for Abalone Chicken Hor Fun as Kelly and I have agreeded, but because of my lateness, Kelly cant wait for me, she entered to work meanwhile I need to eat alone and stay there almost 10pm.

Meanwhile I was there, there is a customer who usually came wid his frens oso there. I went to him and give him a "Hi" and chat a bit. He is kinda familiar n I am still thinking where I have met him b4. Before this he did came for few times, but rarely see him there.

I realized that he was looking at me (or it jus my feeling?) when I am sitting there when I am chatting with my frens. I tot I think too much gua~ but then it is kind of obvious when I walked up the escalator and he was looking at u.... I quickly looked away, don dare to think much...

But these doesnt stop rite there!

He came again the next day, so does everyday~ Even my colleagues oso realized that he kept looking at me wherever I go... Everybody confirmed that he does like me. Even the kitchen crews oso realized that he IS LOOKING AT ME. Oh my~ there was one day after he left, he was at the escalator while I was at the cleaning station, and Coso asked me to look at the front. So I look, I tot got something happened, then suddenly I saw him waving to me goodbye~ So I waved back. *Smile*

Yesterday my off day again~ I didnt go to JJ but go to Leisure Mall to get my haircut instead. While I was having my hairwash, I received a sms from Angie, telling me that he came today but alone. N he was sitting at Oldtown around half or one hour, seem like waiting someone. He looked around, like looking for somebody. Angie even said that he sometimes look at her, seem like there is a question to ask her but don dare to~ *Ouch~* It really make me regret not to go there lor... if i did go there I think he will come and sit at the same table as me. But it is just my imagination. I do not know it will be true or not. =P Sometimes wat they said oso so "kua cheong" wan.... where can believe de?

I am afraid but regret~

I didnt want to continue my story 2day as I wanted to write these out...

On Feb 13th, he and I have a date as he had promised. At 7pm he came to pick me up, and we headed to Leisure Mall to enjoy my sushi as he had promised months ago... He and I was having fun, and chatted jus like old times, when we were still in high school. I tot after what happened between us, it will make us both very shy to each other but that day really make a difference.

We ate and chatted, and sometimes we joked. We updating each other with the leftout details and most of all, he is rite beside me enjoying it too... We even compete who eat the most, but then I lost because I am so full after all the afternoon meals. =P I even bluffed him that I havent eat bcos I was waiting for this meal. Haha~

After that we went 2 pasar malam and walked all the way to the end and back to our car. He lied to me! I asked him to buy the tamagotchi for me, and he kept said that he forgot to bring it back to Malaysia. When I got in the car, I am looking around but I failed to find it. Then suddenly he bring it out for me. I am so happy~!! Yea~ I am so excited to open it, and I cant wait to go home so I bought a pair of scissors to open it. Hehe~ Childish la me~

I almost felt that we are dating lor... I even stand close to him when walking like what we did last time when we were still in high school. Sometimes I don't realized that I am still holding my breath when I standing near with him. My heart even beated so hard.. (Just like Westlife song "Catch my breath") *smiled widely*

Lastly, we walked back to McDonald and we sat down and open our tamagotchis. So Kawaii~~ new version! Can go to school, go marry la, and built a new generation! I even can go online and play games with other tama~ *glee*

I donno what I felt for him anymore. I found out that I still like him, and too bad it is not same as for other side. Yesterday I cried when I think about it. I asked myself why did I let him go when he told me he like me? Why did I choosed Jimmy Teh instead of him?

I knew the answer......

I don want to hurt him if he really become my bf......
I am afraid that I could not love him anymore later....
I am afraid that I will lose him if we are not a couple anymore....

I just like to keep our relationship simple and easy~ We can be friends 4ever~ *Sad* altot it is not wat I wanted but then it is the best for us both~

My Story...3

Continued...

To tell you the truth i never expected the feeling that I kept for him will be this deep. It is not the same when u admired someone or u just looking at someone u like from far, like I used too. When I tot I am in love with a guy, I always admired him from behind when I am studying, or trying to get his attention whenever I can. But after school, I never think of it anymore except that I bring it in to my mind myself. But then, he kept popping in my mind whenever my mind are free or whenever I am sad. Friends asked me why I like him, I just shrugged and told them, "Maybe he is my fate" and I kept that word to myself too, and smiled.

Wherever and whenever anyone will c we both together until many of our friends asked either of us where the other have been when they didnt c us both together. That is really the happiest time of my life.

School life ends. We parted for our own way. I still keep in touch with him, but then it is not as close as before, because of the place gap. I live in Cheras while he is in Kajang, but whenever there is an outing, I will left out any of it if he is in it. I remembered there was one time he give me a coin box and it was cute, and he promised me that he will give it to me each every year of my birthday, I was delighted. AND of cos la.. he where will got remember one. Hehe! I kept that in my own mind, that sud be enof.

Time passed, both of us search for own jobs, and sometimes, we searched it together, and unluckily we have been cheated once, but I lied to him. I returned his money and lied to him that the company returns the money back.

I even find a job that was near to him. He is working at OSIM, meanwhile I was at Rivon Trading which is just opposite a few shops.I find excuses to go near there, buy ice-creams, buy pharmacy things... Hehe! I even get scolded of eating lot of ice-creams. Then i got transfer to KL for a few weeks, and lastly I quited to join my cousin's law firm. But before that, i confessed to him again, and I had been rejected for the 2nd time & 3rd time.

Then, he joined "Sunrider" a multi-level marketing company. I do not know why when I knew one of my friends working in this kind of work, I will started to avoid them when they started to talk a lot about it especially when they find u everynite and talk about it. Unfortunately, he is one of "THOSE". I started to avoid him, altot my heart resisted. But my mind keep thinking of him, and wanting to hear his voice. Altot he rejected me that many times, I never keep him off from my mind. But not soon, I already give up on him, bcos I realized I am not really will be the one for him, as he never think to have me.. I cried, cried the whole nite..I do not know y, but I really cried...

One nite, he called while he is in Port Dickson. He suddenly confessed to me! I am so surprised. When I already put him down, he suddenly tell me that he like me all along, and he said I am the best after all the girls he met. Of cos, I am so happy, but I have my own decisions to make. I have the other boy in my other hand which I just broke with my ex, so I can be with him, which is Jimmy Teh. I was thinking, is he asking this ques so I can join Sunrider too? Then I knew deep down inside of me, I already started to forget him.....

To be continued.....

My Story... 2

And lastly I did click "Send" and I stared at the screen for a while before I got up and pay the bill. My heart was beating so fast, and my face getting red, and I am wondering what wud he react once he read my email. After awhile I gave him a call telling him that I have sent him an email, and if he is free, go n read it. After I hung up I was so regret, because I sud let him read himself. I was waiting for his call, waiting and waiting. One day, 2 day.... and surprisingly, he called at the least expected time. he told me he did reply me too. I was so nervous wanting to know what his reply is, but unfortunately I didn't receive one. I called him, told him that I did not receive it. And he told me he did. I was so sad because I didnt get the mail after I waited many many days until new terms started.

I was so shy when I knew he will be going to be in the same class as me. As a head of the class of last year, I was in duty to arrange the student. I AM AVOIDING MEETING HIM or talk to him face-face and I even reserved a place with one of the girls. Lastly, there is a new girl arrived and there is no other table more, so I go look for it. When I returned, the girl already sat at my desk, and sadly they shoved all my things next to him. "Dup-dup! Dup-Dup!!" My heart hammered in my chest. I cant control the nervous surrounding me. When I talked to him, I even gagged!

"I didn't really received ur mail" I told him after I have settled down, at last since I wanted to avoid the subject. But I want to know why i didnt receive it.
"I did sent it, but I oso donno y u didnt receive it" he said, looking at me. I trying to look away, and we reconfirm each other add. We even makes jokes about sending to other ppl. Haha~ But lastly, he never told me the content of the letter.

Month by month passed, we were getting along very fine, and even closer than last time. Whenever I am down, or sad he will be by my side. We joined the same clubs, Keceriaan, PRS and even we hanged out together after school.

I remember one day, my leg was injured during my Taekwando practice, and I practically can walk so well, but we need to get over to tuition. B4 that, we went to behind the market to have lunch at our usual place. He was riding his bicycle while I will walking to the place. But that day, he walked with me side by side, knowing my legs hurting me while walking tat far, he asked me want to ride at his bicycle. I shooked my head, refused to ride. My heart jumped with joy, because he care about me!!! I tried my best to walk as fast as I can, and the pain seems gone.

I oso remember one day, when I asked Q for the classroom keys when we were in the science lab. But Q refused to give it to me because he wanted to play with me, and maybe I am so in bad mood n upsetted, I go back to my place (because they seated in the front while me in the back) and I was almost cried. He came up to me, and he asked whether I want to go back or not, and he have the keys. Still feeling angry, I followed him in silence. My eyes red because trying to hold back the tears, and lastly when we got in the classroom, he asked me whether want to play chess with him or not. Firstly I refused, but after he persuaded me I agreed to play. I've forgotten I was sad! All I knew that he is keep letting me win over and over again. I tot I am better than him until we've played again at the public library, and by that time, I realized he had let me win purposely to make me happy........

**to be continued..........

My Story...

I remembered the days we had in school many years ago, and I still misses the days we were still together and happy together. I remembered the 1st day we met.......

When we are starting a new term of Form 4, I have been sent to 4 Naluri. I thought, "Gosh.... From Kemas drop to Naluri" But it is good oso, because Kemas was not the class I wanted to study about, while Naluri was. I was in the same class with Kiew Joon Wei, the friend of Teh Boon Keong at 3 Naluri. In our class there were few chinese students, where there was 4 gals and 2 guys including me. Kiew introduced me to his friend, Lai Kwai Seong, which I see him as a shy guy, and barely open his mouth at all. "He's kinda cute~" I thought. That time, I also a very shy gal because of my ermmm.... body figure actually, so I didnt speak to him unless it is necessary.

Few months passed, and from strangers we became friends, and from friends, we became best friends. 3 of us oways hang out together & we did things almost together. I am happy when I was with them, because of them, I shall not be look down upon. And because that we always hang out together, I started to like him... He not kind of bad person. The longer he with us, the more I can see more about him. They sat behind me and I am the one who will always copying out the notes from the front, and they will be the one who will borrow my notes especially Sejarah. But strangely, they always passed their Sejarah, but me always failed! I oso donno y.

We went for tuition together for Eng lesson until Kiew dropped himself out from the class. So just the 2 of us. After school, we will hang out together until the tuition starts. One day, I asked him, "Which kinda girl that u fond of?" I asked, while we were sitting outside of the Metro Plaza. "Hmmmm....." he thinks, "Her hair would be not long, and not too short, will be not fat but not too thin...etc...." My heart was beated too fast while he is saying that, and he asked me which kind of guy that I like "For me, handsome or not is not a problem, but importantly is his heart where he is kind and good" I answered, blushing because this is the 1st time I talked to him about this matter.

We went to CC a lot of times b4, and surprisingly, one day, while we were chatting in Mamak as usual, he pm me! I was just sitting beside him, and I scolded him, nothing to do ah?! He asked me to continue to chat in MiRc. Most of them I forgotten but there are a few words that I remembered long enof....

"Wat do u want to talk about in here?"
"Nothing...Jus for fun"
"Walau..... Cannot talk face to face meh?"
"Cannot." "I miss U"
"Wat?!" (surprised, and my heart is beating fast)
"I only say it one time" "I miss U like crazy" (Hahaha... that time, we like to hear Moffatt's)
"U gotta be joking rite?"
"No I am serious"
* I got numbed but I still reply him with jokes because I cant believe it*

From that day onwards, we behaved strangely. Maybe because we were shy, but after a few days without mentioning it again, we go back as normal...... But everyday i will be still thinking of him, although I already have admired one of my own, but I starting to like him more than friends. Even after school at 6pm we will called each other and chatted in the phone. By the end of the year, I am started to think whether sud I confess to him? For me this time, there is a boy like me in return, and I always hope he will be my 1st one. I have think about it over and over again whether to confess or not to confess, and one day, I had decided to write him an email, and that time, we oledi started our long school holidays.... I am so scared, so scared that he will not talk to me anymore. But wat I am thinking is that maybe we wont be in the same class by next year, so I gathered up my courage to write him an email.... and after thinking more than 1 hour, re-read the email again and again, like afraid that there will be any spelling mistakes, before I decided to click "Send".................

* to be continued................

When I am thinking it have been so long that I never talk with him, I suddenly miss him so much... Donno what he is doing nowadays? Does he thinking about me also? Suddenly my phone rang, I received a sms. And it was from him! I was so happy that he is having the same thought as mine, and although it is just simple "Hi how r u? How have u been nowadays? Got a new target already? got any news to update?" but those sentences can make me very happy.

I really donno y le.... Sometimes, I can stop thinking about him, sometimes, I can think about him for one day... When my friends bring up about him, wat I mean is, asked for his news, I started to think the past that we had.... And almost back to regret tat we didnt meant for each other... I still blame myself that I didnt accept him back then though... But who told him that being so gay~ I tot he used me for being a member of a sun-rider. Haha~!

But now past is my past. I see the present now.. altot not very clear but still it is my own road to go......

My Feelings are the same~

Suddenly I have think of one story that I can write it down but then I cannot come with a good english...

I don really know wat is blog means, but I knew this is the place where I can write down all my feelings in it. I..... During these 3 days of holiday, I have been wasting my time surfing the net, watching tv and animations and during the last day, that is yesterday, I watched "Tai Cheong Kam". Hehe~!! Old worms getting to my nerve oledi... ^^

But during these 3 days I also did have some time to think about him. I oso donno y? Sue Ling asked me to forget about him, as he is not worth of my love, but then I do not know why I still thinking about him? Maybe I am too stubborn. I tried to switch my brain to think somebody else, but it is only for awhile whatever I am thinking it will automatically lead me back to the memories I had had with him.

Does my way of thinking is wrong? I am always thought that if I keep on thinking about him, maybe I will become nun. Haha! Because I don 1 2 open my heart to somebody else, and nobody would love me anyway, until I get back a good figure or something. I am trying so hard to keep my diet, but temptation always on the way. But then I will try my best! Ganbaru yo~!!

I do not hope that he knows wat I am thinking now, bcos he will feel regret from wat he did to me last time, and I have choosed to neglect him all the time. I remembered those days when I needed him when I am so depressed and sad. But those days are over, as I will be on my own now, walking down the road without him. Oh, maybe sometimes, we will walk together, but then it is only for awhile.....

Best friends and Lover...

I was watching an anime last night and suddenly I think of him. I oso donno y.. Is it because the anime did talked about best friend being fall in love? I mean, it is exactly how I was felt last time. Kazuki and Yuuji have known each other since from young, unfortunately he had moved to other town. Kazuki had waited for her one-sided first love until he came back at last, he turns out to be a pervert. Kazuki hate him for that and at the same time, she try to get to know more of him. Chihara, her best fren too, understands him than herself. Kazuki is jealous, and felt being left out, she fight with Yuuji, and want to break off their friendship.

Everything is almost the same, except the moving to town and being a pervert. He is just move to Singapore, and later will move to JB by the end of the year, and I will not see him again UNLESS i can make it to singapore.

BUt now, our gap are so big since from the relationship we had last time, and I understand that it is my faults too. I am the ONE who ignore everybody, and now I am the ONE who is complaining about our gap. I am hoping that we can be best friends again although I want more than that kind of relationship as he is important to me. Although we are not capable to become couples, at least still he can be my best friends, and that is the only way I still can see him.

Oh god, I hate to confess this myself, I still love him. But fate does not join us, and we are fated only to be friends. Luckily he do not know this blog of mine, and he wont get to see this. ^^

Someone pls take a Look! Mosque problems

I woke up at 5.30am, startled by the loud voice. Felt disturbed, I look out for the noise and found it was came from the mosque where is just nearby me. This is the 1st time I woke up because of it. It is unusually loud that morning, and I felt depressed, because it had disturbed my beauty sleep.

At last I fall back asleep after half an hour listening to the "song", I woke up again at 7.30am for work. Feeling tired, I pulled myself up and get myself ready to work. But I am so unhappy because of the disturbance in that morning. And I make up my mind to do complains to the newspaper.

After I consulted a few colleagues in my office, I finally realized that I cannot lodged in a complain through a newspaper as in Malaysia's laws, that Malays are given priority to built a mosque even there are only 10 houses of Malay residents. But what I wanted to consult is, it is not the matter that there is mosque nearby my house, in fact there are 2 mosques and 3 suraus, including all the housing areas nearby my house, and we as non-muslims did not complain anything about it.

Build a mosque is not a problem here, but they have overdid it. They can turn on the volume, but it is extremely loud like they had turned it on max. Even in the toilet I can hear each words of it CLEARLY. There was once, at around after maghrib, they informed the residents to join their ceramah agama at 8.00pm by using THE MICROPHONE.

We have learned to respect each other cultures in school, and we did. But what we get back in return? We didn't get respects from them also. Our house did not have built in sound proof windows. We do work, don't we? Does they think that the sound would disturb us from sleeping? Would they care if some people need to get to sleep in 3am every day because of their work required them too? If the Muslims want us to tolerate with them, and they shall need to think about non-muslims first. Not by turning on the volume high at 5.30am.

I am searching through the net to find the relevant authorities to get my complain on, but then, I hope they take actions instead of standing to the side, saying that it is the law. YES, it is but please do it in considerate volume. Not by turning it on, like u r in karaoke lounge.

As I writing here to voice out my feelings, I wish to drag attentions from the authorities. I do not wish to offend the Muslims or the governments, but I hope that Muslims should respect us and in return we would respect Muslim as well.

BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!!

BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!!

Peak season (Hari Raya & Chinese New Year) have arrived!! Disaster coming!!!! I had so many works need to be done, and I cant stop working & working! I have been ignoring all my frens since a month ago, and now I am kinda miss them so much. Tai lo, Q, Yap, Kwai Seong, Kim Choo & everyone I knew, I didnt even give them a call. If I did, I do not know wat to say oso~ If I did call, maybe they wud think "Y Pik Yee call me so sudden? Did she involve in some kind of direct sales?"

Dear Friends, that one I wud assure u I DIDN'T! U know I hate that.....

Anyway, I am trying to make myself as busy as I can, so I cant stop thinking about finding love or a bf. Wat I want to do now is open a good long road for me to walk on it, not to close it. I have been a fool all these years I live on Earth, and NOW i need to stop fooling around. Time cant wait, and I need to struggle to lead my life into a better one.

Angie been working hard as an insurance agent now. Although she is still working with us, but her heart and mind will always think how to get customers and to help them too, AND to get out from the office quick. Me too~ I wanted to leave that office that much, and I planned to leave after April (non-peak season) but I just got my part time job, and I need to reconsider about it again.

Hoorayy!!! Yesterday I went for interview and I got my part time job, and going to start next week! How happy I am! At last I got something to do better than sitting in front of the pc doing nothing at all. Yesterday was the 1st time I log in the computer since from last 3 weeks. And I met him. I greeted him with Merdeka Wish, but he seem so harsh to me. I want to share the news with him, but he seem do not like talking to me, and just reply me "I donno wat to say" and I lost that feeling want to share. I am so sad, but I cant blame him, it is ME that make that decision not to contact my friends and having that idea of being alone.

I have send him an sms "Now when I am sitting here in the tuition room makes me think about the time when we were in the tuition class" and I really do miss those days.... It had the same smell, and the surrounding it is just like those old days, when there are alot of friends surrounding us. It does really make me happy to have this memories, But unfortunately he did not reply me.

Watever it is, I have make my decisions and I cant feel regret with it. I knew I am wrong, but this is really the rite thing to do for me. I wont hurt them and they wont hurt me. All I have is only MYSELF. And if I ever hurt myself, then it is me for being a stupid person in the world.

Trying to Avoid

Since from Wednesday, I am trying to avoid all the calls n sms I received. I didnt answer anyone's calls, as I find myself not feeling want to talk to them anymore~
But that Jimmy Teh, keep calling everyday, from day to nite, jus want me to answer the phone, but I keep insisting I don want to answer him. We had nothing to talk anyway, it just a bit chit chat~

I oso don understand, last time when we still dated each other, he never call me like this. Although he move to Klang, but he still trying to avoid to call me always. Now when we were friends, y he keep calling me? Last time, I spend all my money for my phone, but now he willingly to call me each time. I do not understand~

But the one I want to see to appear in my phone did not call me or sms me. When I am online, I put myself to "Appear Offline" mode, n I did saw him there. I wanted so much to talk to him, but I get hold of myself, n just sit here until he offline at last. Even I change my place to write my blog! I dont want him to know that I got online, and update my blog but didnt chat with him earlier on.

I am torturing myself. I oso do not know why I did that to myself. I want to know how much he cares about me. At least that little bit of feeling of care for me oso enof~ But no, he didnt.

I oso do not know what I want from him, n I also donno wat am I waiting for? Me n him have no more, n that is da truth~ But I cannot bear it... Although I told him that I didnt mind to become friends and to forgive him, but still in the end, I am the one who cannot let it down. I am sad, really sad~

Y he need to treat me this way?
Y I didnt accept him at the first place b4 he went to Singapore?
N y he play with my feelings?
What he had promised me is jus like a blank paper. He promised me he will be his best to become my bf, but y he want to break tat promise?
I really really regret I didnt accept his offer at the 1st place, bcos I scare I will hurt him, n I also scare that we cannot even be friends~

I cannot help to stop thinking this way~ It is not his faults. He oso don want to be that way~ and I need to stop thinking about him~ oh god~ please don play me again.. I cannot bear anymore if the same thing happens again~ My heart, for real will break into pieces.. I do not dare to love anyone anymore~

Arguements

When we argue with someone, all sorts of words will come out from our mouth. Either it is foul languages, or make that person madder..
Yesterday, I didnt argue with that lady, but the lady's mouth are so poisoning, makes me feel uncomfortable. I wore the blue "Bali" dress which is kinda sexy, the front part kinda drop down, so I wore another one in it. I like the dress very much, n it did show me kinda sexy~ in spite of my Ehem~ body figure~ *^_^* *blush*
But that Ah Yong (that lady name) said that I wore it purposely to show off my breasts. I tot she was joking, so i don really mind bcos we usually talk in tat way~ But from wat she sound, she is not joking, but sound like really "chai" me~ I felt nothing to say jor, so I went out after tat
N since that, I went in n go out after I did my work, not feeling like want to talk to them anymore. Whatever I said is wrong, they felt like I am trying to 'tat jui" them. But I am not~ they misunderstand me~
This morning, Ah yong had had a chit chat with Angie. She told Angie that Y'day my face is dark (unhappy) n she tot that I had fought with Judy again. She didnt know that it is her who make me turn to tat face or just pretend not to know. Then she told Angie also, that I had told her that I want to quit~ =.="
Wat a big mouth she had~ she had promised me not to say it out n now~ =.="
Never gonna tell her anything some more~
So wat I wear that kind of clothes? I wish to be ma~ but I knew she said oso for my own good, but somehow, y'day i cannot accepted wat she had said altot it is a joke. I tell myself from today onwards, I will wear like tat everyday if possible~

~My Love Story~

Who have never fall in love before? Everyone did, I don care whether it is secretly or not. Still, we all have fallen in love b4.

Do u trust love in first sight? Do u believe tat first love will not success?

Hmm.. I talked like seem I know a lot in this matter. I don't. It is just my opinion.

When I first admired someone, that is 10 years ago, where I started to learn about boys. Funny~ when I was in primary school, I always fight with boys. Fighting with them doesn't mean I hate them, but it was only for funs. When I step out from the world of childhood to teenager, that was when I start to learn to love someone. I admired few peoples back then, but never did once I said it out as I knew they didn't like me as I did. And the most important is, who will ever like a fat girl like me? But admire left to be admire, till the time I left the school.

I dated one guy after another, n never once I felt being love. Who cares about me? They only want what they wanted from me. The longest one, was 2 years relationship, n that I also have broke it up. Not that I didn't love him, I did, it just that... (paused) who am I? He didn't like me for who I am, n that is y we broke up. I know they did not love me, but I didn't regret to start that relationship, because from the start, I knew they didn't love me. So I always ended not being hurt at all. Silly me, I thought I could find someone that can love me, but who am I?

They hurt me again n again, and I never complain. I did not know who is my first love, n I didn't believe love in first sight. N if I do, probably it is only me who fall in love first. My love never return to me. My heart is shattered into pieces, feeling lonely and hopeless to this world of "Love". I never wanted to play this game again.

Although your arrival into my world, have only brighten my sky for awhile, but I never hate you. Not all are your wrongs, I did wrong too and I am sorry for that. You still will be my friend, n forever it will. U cheer me up when I was down, n U r the one b with me when I am sad. And I want to be the same to u too. I'll treasure our friendship and together we go through this.

Restless

Here I am, still staying awake, in front of my pc and my eyes don 1 2 rest.
I am still thinking about the conversations I had had with him, n it makes me feeling uneasy. Firstly, I am angry at him for telling me to shut up, n ask me to not disturb him. I scolded him back with foul languages, n tell him that I wud not contact him anymore. When I come to think of it, he is really strange today. My mind ringing alarm telling me that he maybe in a bad mood.

But that doesn't mean that he can say that words to me. If he is really in a bad mood, y don he just tell me? Not throwing that kind of words to me. I am not rubbish bin. I maybe not mind of wat my frens says about me, but then everyone has it own limit. N i knew he got too. Please b honest and tell me wat is really going on there?
If he want to test me, pls stop. I cant stand another day torturing myself thinking about him. If he want for break up, please tell me so. We still can be friends.

Writing blog had me addicted. Thanks to the blog, I can pour in my feelings in here, and I knew there is no one will read my blog. I do not have the special place to pour my feelings in anymore. I can't tell my parents as they will worry about me. And in here, I can say watever I want. I don 1 2 mind or care wat does other ppl feel when they read it here, as they never care of how I am gonna feel.

To make a person happier, one need to sacrifice himself/herself. I sacrificed myself by making myself as a joke wanting to make a smile on my friends face. And to make him happy, I would have sacrifice myself too. It is just that I felt dumb when come to face my loves one. There is nothing would be happier than seeing someone that u love to be happy.

P/s: Maybe he would be unhappy I write all these in this blog, but I wanna tell him that I am sorry, I cant stop myself from typing out the words that express on how & wat I am feeling rite now. Maybe he is unhappy, bcos he did not expected that the girl he once knew has change to some1 that he really doesnt know. I treat my friends differently than treating my bf.

The World R so Cruel

I just read the newspaper today, n I read the front news. I think u guys have heard of this news b4. Jess Teh n her bf, killed her daughter, n lodged a false report to find her daughter back. I found it is so cruel, either to the girl, or to her family. Y this must be happened to her? She is so innocent. Bcos of her mum's guilt, she need to suffer from it. Thanks to the magistrate that they sentence death penalty to the selfish n heartless guy. Jess didnt kill her daughter at all, she only found guilty for having morphine in her house. And I don think that she is going to lead a good life for her rest of her life, as for me, she kill her daughter with her very own hand.
R this world had lost it's warm n humanity society? I felt the world is not safe anymore, with all these bad guys around, but y this bad guys appeared so suddenly since 3~4 years ago? Everything, can turn a good person to a bad one.
I love Malaysia, but does Malaysia love us?

Feeling Totally Useless

I felt totally useless. I never did something rite! I cant study properly, I cant do work properly, I never become some1 good frens properly, or even someone gf too. Now I even did not drive properly. Jus now, when i came back from work, n my dad ask me to reverse the car in. I told him I cant reverse as I never do any reverse b4. He bad temperly scolded me for being a stupid and not using my brain. Yes, I am agreed I am stupid. But not I want it to... I want to be smarter u know, it jus tat, it's not in my genes.
Now I want to continue my study, n now I am giving it a second thought. If I continue my study, then wud I end up being stressful, n give it up in half way? I want to be smarter, and somehow I want them to be proud of me. Not by saying how stupid I am and everything.
This is when I wish myself that cud be reborn again.I start my life new from beginning. I want to become a sociable, smart and pretty girl. Not becoming a sociable (ppl called it "fat hao"), stupid, fat and ugly girl. I realize who I am. And I am proud of being who I am now. It jus tat, society wudnt accept me for being who I am.
Can I turn things better? Can I lead a better life? Cud I do something to improve it than sitting in front of my pc, writing in the blog telling it how I can make my life better?
Suddenly I felt so alone...
No one will help me except myself. And no one will help me if I keep feeling sorry for myself. But I cant help myself if I only have my limitation. Where is my limit? I do not know. Now i only know, I do not even understand myself as much as I think I wud b.
I am REALLY USELESS.

Playing? fun or not ah?

Is it very fun to play other ppl feeling?
How wud u feel when that person ignore u for for days? Not even a sms, or calls, n when u ask that person, he told u, "I am just playing with u".
Let me tell u how it feels.
It feel sucks,
Pain,
n felt wanted to cry~
I am sitting here in this very room, thinking, wat have I did wrong to be treated in this way? Is he doubted my sincerity? Is he doubted my feelings for him is true? Or he feels tat I am playing with him?
Then Let me tell him, YES, YES, & YES!! I am not sincere, not true, n I am jus playing u. Satisfied ma?
Or is t just me for being oversensitive n overcared?
Yes, my reaction is horrible. I sudnt react like tat. I hate myself for behaving like tat. Really hate myself for that.
But I cant help it.... No one understands me y i did this way. Maybe he wont like it when he read my blog, but I really cant stop myself from pouring in my feelings into this blog where there is no one will be listen to it anymore. It's like my heart being tear by half.
Love is hurting ourself, don u agreed?

The worst of me~

2day I felt worse~
I had attended an interview at Berjaya Times Square, as an admin assist, and it had pulled me into a pit hole. Never felt this way b4. My self-confidence had broke down. Last time, whenever I attended an interview, it wud be not any problem at all for me as they briefly ask me ques, same ques over n over, n without any prob i passed all the test.
But today is different. This girl, called Shamine, was my interviewer, n she asked the job description since from the 1st one! I needed to tell wat I did n why do I leave. Until the latest one. I answered all with "la~ la~" at each sentences, my english is dead! I am going to faint. In that interview, it really did teach me something~ I need to push me up! I am going to further my study no matter how much it is going to cost me. My knowledge is so little, and I felt I am lost to my sister n cousin. How many years of experience oso no use!!!
Now I found that how far is my knowledge is, and I cant give this an easy task for me to go. Go Jessie~!! U can do it! I wanted to achieve something that once in my life that I wont regretted.
Go! Go! Go!! =D